Political Satire
Mitt RomneyMitt Romney has just announced that he decided a female should become his vice president and that he’ll choose his running mate through a contest now open to enter.
Women all over the country can enter the contest until July 29 by submitting a 20-second long video in which they propose and rationalize their thoughts on the role of the Republican president and vice president in guiding the country through the next four years. When asked by Allvoices why deciding on such a short video, Mitt Romney said that he wanted his vice president to be focused, logical and concise. “Women talk too much, so 20 seconds give a good margin to find candidates who are able to say something useful within seconds and not hours.”
Within minutes of Romney’s words, Allvoices received an official statement: “Mitt Romney wants to choose a focused, logical and concise vice president. Women exert these qualities to the fullest and they can communicate information so precisely. 20 seconds is more than enough for any of them to express their thoughts.”
The contest’s rules, which can be found on Romney’s campaign website, describe in detail what type of women can enter the vice presidential competition.
“Mitt Romney is looking for a female candidate who would unite women all over the country. Since beautiful or ugly, skinny or fat, highly educated or not educated at all, intelligent or plain stupid women would cause a rift and fueled unwanted emotions and opinions, women with above- or below-average education or intelligence or looks should not enter this contest. Women expressing any of these qualities will be disqualified. People don’t trust skilled politicians, therefore women who are accomplished in politics are discouraged to enter the contest while women who have never been involved in politics before are encouraged to enter.”
A highly opinionated panel of frustrated and easily jealous women will watch all video submissions and choose top 10 inoffensive contenders, who will then enter the final portion of the vice presidential competition. In a live TV show with audience, Mitt Romney and two co-judges, George W. BushGeorge W. Bush and Elisabeth HasselbeckElisabeth Hasselbeck, will choose the winner who’ll become Romney’s vice presidential running mate.
“George W. Bush is one of the smartest presidents this country has ever had. He fooled most of the U.S. voters not once but twice. I’m happy to have him on my panel and will listen to his advice closely,” Mitt Romney told Allvoices.
“We needed a woman and an established, and of course conservative, TV personality to join us for the live show. We’re very lucky Elisabeth agreed to join us,” said Romney when asked about choosing Hasselbeck, who is a co-host on the popular morning show "The View," to join him on the judging panel.
“She really knows how to talk freely and correctly in English,” added Bush. “That will make me comfortabler on TV.”
All the details aren’t known yet, but top 10 finalists will have three one-minute spots to discuss politics and economy, and three 20-minute spots to talk about religion, abortion and gay marriage during the finale live show. The vote won’t be open to the public and the three judges will choose the winner.
“We don’t need no public vote. We know better what Americanians want,” Bush told Allvoices.
“I need to make this decision responsibly and can’t be swayed by popular vote,” Romney said. “Being a president means making sometimes hard and sometimes unpopular decisions. I’m ready to be the best president this country has ever had. I’ll make always hard and always unpopular decisions.”
The live TV finale of Romney’s vice president contest will air Aug. 9. It’s still unclear which station will broadcast the show, but a source tells us, all major networks are being harassed and blackmailed by the Republican Party and major sponsors of Romney’s presidential campaign to buy excruciatingly expensive broadcasting rights. One of the stations is expected to surely fold within the next few days.
Are you excited or shocked about the competition to find Romney’s vice president? Will you watch the finale show? Do you think you may be just the right candidate to enter the contest?
If you like to write about U.S. politics and Campaign 2012, enter "The American Pundit" competition. Allvoices is awarding four $250 prizes each month between now and November. These monthly winners earn eligibility for the $5,000 grand prize, to be awarded after the November election.
